The Cleveland Browns camp has started and things are already heating up for our QuarterBachelors. Only one of these eligible players will be the starting QB week 1, and all 5 plan on making the sure the job is fully theirs. Here’s a current ranking of where each QB is on the depth chart.
Note: players are not ranked based on their performance or skill but rather purely vibes.
#5: Shedeur Sanders – Regardless of today’s headline breaking, things have not gotten off to a hot start for the son of Deion. No first team reps and many pundits already asking which other team he will end up on. And on top of the bad vibes so far, Shedeur was caught speeding outside the facility, going 101 in a 60. In a twist of fate, this actually bodes well for Shedeur since he seemed to be speeding towards the Browns facility, the first player in Browns history that tried to get here as fast as they could. Even still, Sanders is on the far outside of the depth chart and will need to keep showing up at a respectable speed to avoid any further negative headlines.
#4: Dillon Gabriel – Yes, the Oregon/Oklahoma/Central Florida product is still holding his own in camp. The Lefty from Mililani has been quiet so far, but as seen above that isn’t always a bad thing. Gabriel just needs to continue being there and not having small hands and soon he will find himself in the emergency QB spot on the team, which may not be as flashy as it sounds but it still comes with a game check. And surely the Browns wouldn’t be stupid enough to immediately dump their 3rd round pick because the owner likes the headlines of the 5th rounder more, right? Right?
#3: Kenny Pickett – Pickett finds himself caught in between the two veterans with some winning experience and two rookies with baggage. But that hasn’t stopped the former Pittsburgh product from catching up on some very important things, like collecting all the shiny Pokemon in Brilliant Diamond. He has shown his impressive collection of 36 shinies including a rather ravishing Piplup. As far as his camp stats go, Pickett is 1/41 with 17 interceptions. But the shinies are very much keeping him alive in the race.
#2: Deshaun Watson – When the man with the worst vibes in history is still expected to play above multiple other players, you know that it’s because he’s worth $230 million. And that’s exactly where Watson finds himself, above 3 younger QBs just because I mean you can’t really get rid of the guy (…yet.) Watson has spent his camp focusing on football and his autobiography where he explains in detail why he is innocent and also how hard it is to be a handsome QB getting a massage from strange women every day. The book will do extremely well in half the country.
#1: Joe Flacco – You hate to say a guy is starting “by default,” but after seeing what the previous 4 QuarterBachelors are up to that’s precisely why Flacco is the leading candidate for the starting job. Flacco spent his time this week hanging with the guys to get to know them better. The teammates traded salsa recipes and added films to each other’s playlists to watch later. The vibes have never been better for the former Elite QB, and he seems to be finding a renewed love for the game too…
Next Week, on the QuarterBachelor: Who stole Gabriel’s playsheet? Which Flacco salsa is actually the best? And why is Shedeur on the moon promoting StarLink?
The 9 Hole 